„An put some Ding Dongs in…“

dingdongWeil es vielleicht noch nicht alle auf Facebook mitbekommen haben: Kate hat vollkommen unerwartet ihr Tour-Tagebuch im englischen Forum veröffentlicht. Womit jetzt auch klar wäre, dass die Set-List von Bertie stammt, ebenso wie die Anregung, Prologue umzuschreiben. Leider äußert sie sich(noch) nicht zu ihren Plänen für die Zukunft.

[warning]Kate’s Tour Diary 2014[/warning]

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1st January 2014
Woke up feeling a bit meh. I ask Bertie if I should do some live shows. He says ‘no’, he’s got his exams coming up. So that’s that decided.
2nd January
Realise Bertie hasn’t got any exams at all, so I ask him again if I should do some live shows. He just says ‘no thanks’. Teenagers, eh? No sense of adventure.
3rd January
‘Bertie’, I say, while correcting his homework, ‘are you sure it wouldn’t be fun do some live shows?’
‘No, definitely not’, he says, and gets back to his singing lessons. (What a waste of money they are!)
4th January
‘Bertie, shall I do some live shows? And sense the tone!’
‘OK mum. Now will you get off me, please?”
Great! At last I’m persuaded to do some live shows.
4th January 
5th January
I am officially mad. One of Bertie’s friends, Mark Radcliffe, came round as I was sitting in the corner of the kitchen rocking from side to side muttering ‘live shows – live shows’ over and over. I don’t think he sussed anything unusual.
5th January (even later)
6th January
Slept like a log. Even though I’m not sure what songs to do yet.
7th January (the early hours)
“Bertie”, I say, “what songs shall I do?”
“All of them”
“OK, love.”
7th January (a bit later)
“Won’t that be a long concert?”
“Nothing from the first 4 albums then.”
“And nothing from that one with Hitler and Grandad.”
“And that last album was a bit boring, wasn’t it?”
“So, just from 3 of my albums then?”
“Yeh, but not much from 1 of them.”
“You like that one about running, and the one about Elvis Costello isn’t bad. Do those and a few others. Maybe all one side of an album so you don’t have to think about the running order.”
“Good idea.”
“And put some Ding Dongs in. People like Ding Dongs.”
So, that’s the set list sorted.
8th January
Bertie says I need to call the show something. He was thinking ‘Bertie & Friends’ but I’m not convinced. Told him I’ll sleep on it and come up with something f*cking awesome before the dawn.
9th January
Come up with a brilliant name for the show: “F*cking Awesome”.
10th January
Look round a couple of venues. One’s a dump and the other’s a palace. Buckingham Palace. My good friend, Helen Mirren, wasn’t in, but I spoke to one of her slaves, who seemed a little confused as to why I would want to hold a concert there. “Saves me touring,” I say, “plus I can pop home on the tube each night and the wallpaper’s nice.” There was no need to set the corgis on me.
11th January
Returned to the dump. Suppose with a lick of paint, some mood lighting and a complete refurbishment, it’ll do. Nobody will be interested anyway. I’ll only be on a couple of nights.
3rd February
Been told loads of people are interested and to do 15 nights. Who do they think I am? Kylie F*cking Minogue? I’m never going to sell out 15 nights.
27th March
Sell out 15 nights and add another 7. It’s going to kill me. Whose idea was this? I blame bloody Bertie.
31st May
Had a quiet couple of months, eating and planning a holiday. September is a nice time to get away. Glad Bertie talked me out of doing any live shows. Can you imagine?
1st June
Just been told the live dates are in September and I agreed to them. That’s put a dampener on any holiday plans. Apparently, I need to rehearse and think about lights. Do I have to do everything??? I’ll have a think.
4th June
Had a think. Nothing too complicated, I say, just a representation of the North Sea, a few huge paintings that change colour, a house that rocks from side to side, 5 backing singers but one slightly out of time with the others, a helicopter sweeping down into the audience, and someone turning into a bird. Bertie says why don’t I sit at the piano and sing a couple of songs about coral and ivy? He’ll be telling me to do it in bare feet next.
17th June
Decide to do it in bare feet. And have asked renowned amateur theatre director Adrian Mole to help with the theatrics. And the cast. And the scenery. And the costumes. And the lights. And if he could find a few musicians. And some cake. But I don’t want him to think he’s taking over. After all, this is MY show.
3rd July
Went to rehearsal today. Everyone seems to know what they’re doing so I only stayed 10 minutes and wished them luck.
4th July
Apparently, people are expecting me to be in the bloody thing. I thought it was just going to be some singers doing my songs, a few dancers dressed as fish, and a showcase for Bertie! Checked my diary and crossed out the planned new album, Best of DVD, TV special and world cruise. Need to do some serious rehearsing.
5th July
Did some serious rehearsing. Sang two of my favourite songs – the one about Bertie and Like a Virgin. Turns out we’re not doing either of those and I didn’t even write one of them.
6th July
This week I am spending 3 days under water for absolutely no reason other than to catch a cold. Is it too late to do all The Dreaming instead?
9th July
Decide to do all The Dreaming instead. Except Sat In Your Lap. Danny says people will expect at least one hit. I told him, they should have released Suspended In Gaffa like I wanted, and go back to rehearsing the bit in the show where a swallow turns into a plane at night and carries me off to Ireland.
11th July
The Dreaming isn’t working. Apparently we’re over budget on silver Buddhas and Yankee hash, and the band aren’t happy changing into mules. I ditch the whole concept and sulk. Next there’ll be telling me I can’t have rolls of gaffa tape plummeting from the ceiling and a bunch of kangaroos banging against van bonnets.
12th July
Apparently, I can’t. Will have to make do with a few top quality musicians. Wonder what Genesis are up to.
13th July
As I want full control of this show, I start thinking about the merchandise. Make a few mugs in my private kiln, hand-paint a scene that makes no sense but I’ll just print 250 and charge a fortune for them, and iron some feathers on to a t-shirt. Nobody will want to buy the bloody things anyway.
14th July
Just realised how much this show is going to cost! Cancelled the 500 individually themed blackbirds turning to dust at the end of Sunset, and told Danny he’ll have to stay at home and look after the dog. We can’t afford a sitter.
15th July
Today the caterers told me the hospitality hampers only cost £1.50 to put together, so I’ve told them to look for cheaper plonk. Ker-bloody-ching!
16th July
Choose 24 songs to do for the encore.
17th July
The encore is now longer than the show, so just doing 2 songs. One at the piano and one about a yo-yo. Some older people in the audience might remember that one, so if I forget the words, they can sing along.
17th August
This sh!t got real. We open in a few days and nothing’s ready! Bertie’s voice has finally broken, which means I’ll have to write him a new song really quickly, so it might not be any good; the fish people’s fish heads are just fish bones so there won’t be time to put any fish flesh on them; that bloody wooden puppet is getting on everyone’s t*ts and is very close to being part of a big new bonfire scene I’m planning; and the brass band medley of Wuthering Heights, Breathing and Ken just doesn’t work. Plus, the scene change took 3 hours so I’ll have to put something in to fill the time. Maybe ask a writer. What’s Agatha Christie up to?
20th August
Want to connect with the audience and have everyone looking directly at me, so have banned cameras, phones and blind people. It’s an intimate space, slightly smaller than my front room, and I want people to notice everything, especially how good I am. The cannon should wake the buggers up, and the bit where they carry me to the ladies’ loo in a chariot will be a nice rest.
24th August
Did a run through for some family and friends. I don’t know whose family and friends they were, but they seemed to like it. I told them to keep quiet and not spoil any surprises, but most of them fell asleep as the show overran by 7 hours and I forgot to sing any hits.
25th August
Made a few adjustments to the show. Bertie’s Shakespeare monologues and songs from Les Miserables have all been cut. There are only 2 trees dropping on to the stage instead of a forest. I’m now doing Knees Up Mother Brown in the opening section. And Sky of Honey finishes with me just turning into a bird rather than the entire band being airlifted to the ceiling by Dynamo the Magician and then carried off by planets on sticks.
26th August
Opening night! Thought I’d be a bit nervous and wouldn’t sleep well, but I only got up to be sick 5 times and to go to the toilet twice.
26th August (10am)
Got there early and took a selfie outside the venue. Danny wants one to prove I’m actually there.
26th August (2pm)
Had a quick warm up with the band. Lonnie Donegan sounds really good on the skiffle, and percussionist Mino Cinelu is awesome. I think he used to be in the Bay City Rollers.
26th August (7pm)
Just had a quick look out front. Some people have turned up after all. And I’m sure that’s Lily Allen taking a photo. She can feck off. What have I said?
26th August (7.44pm)
There’s a minute to go and I’m getting a little concerned where the rest of the band are.
26th August (7.46pm)
Apparently, my watch is slow and they’re on stage waiting for me. I thought I recognised the beginning of Lily. Better get this over with then.
26th August (8.20pm)
Just tweeted that the show is going well as I get changed into my life jacket. Luckily nobody knows my Twitter name. Or follows me.
26th August (8.45pm)
This sketch goes on far too long.
26th August (9.10pm)
Just been carried off stage by a load of creepy fish people. Must remember the words to The Morning Fog. I always cry at that bit.
26th August (9.25pm)
It’s the interval. Seems to be going well. And I’ve only smoked 70 cigarettes so holding it together OK.
26th August (10pm)
Bertie’s big number. Proud mum. (Might cut this tomorrow.)
26th August (10.31pm)
That tree missed me by inches! Piano’s f*cked though.
26th August (10.40pm)
Very quiet when I was singing Robbie Williams’ Angels. Think everyone’s nodded off.
26th August (10.59pm)
That was AMAZING! Never had an experience liked it. Everyone was clapping and cheering and nobody took any pictures. And I remembered all the words. And the tunes. Even to the songs I didn’t know (the one about Joni Mitchell, something about a bird).  And I didn’t bump into anyone. And the scenery didn’t break down, or any door fall off, or lights fail to come on. I don’t care what anyone says. I rock. Still, glad it’s over.
26th August (11.05pm)
What do you mean, I have to do it all again tomorrow and 20 more times after that? I’m bloody knackered!!
27th August
Not reading any newspapers. I don’t mind what they think of the show; I just don’t want to read any spoilers.
28th August
Apparently, I don’t do Wuthering Heights. What a rip off. Ha!
31st August
I’ve almost broken some record and have 11 albums in the Top 50. I have no idea what this means but really want to find the people who have had more.
31st August (later)
Bloody Elvis and The Beatles. But where are they now, eh? Eh?
2nd September
Get up early and go to Snap Galleries. Supposed to be some sort of photo exhibition but all I could see was a load of mirrors. Bought a book and a very nice Italian man signed it for me. Will have to buy another now that isn’t defaced.
2nd September (later)
Sat writing my diary in Starbucks and joined by two lovely men from a little village called Manchester. One of them, tall and bald, kept distracting me while the other, short and bald, seemed to be taking some pictures. I hope they weren’t of my diary. People will never believe this sh!t. Especially as I write it a month in advance,
3rd September
Up all night trying to stop my house crumbling into the sea. Jammed a Mars Bar into the lighting rig so I could have an early night. Some clever sod managed to fix it and we had to do the whole show anyway. And we over-ran, which meant I had to put an extra 50p in the parking meter. This show is costing me a fortune. Still, rescued the Mars Bar, so it’s not all bad news.
6th September
Took all the costumes home to wash. The blackbird wings wouldn’t fit in the tumble dryer, so I had to peg out. Then spent ages trying to get Bertie’s dirty shirty clean.
10th September
Can’t believe all the celebrities coming to see how brilliant I am: Paul McCartney from Wings, Andrew Lloyd Webber from Evita, Ant and Dec from the telly, Monty from the Forum (apparently 11 times so far, which is good going as we’ve only done 10 shows). Sexy Daniel Craig turned up, so I put an extra seat in the front row for him. Not very sexy Elton John came without a ticket, so I made him stand at the side. Still not heard anything from Rolf, mind.
11th September
He’s where? The dirty bugger!
12th September
So-called celebrities who have asked for free tickets include Bob Dylan, Bob Geldof, Bob Marley, Bob the Builder, and God. I told them to join the standby queue. Cheeky sods.
13th September
The shows seem to be going down well. At least people will leave me alone now.
14th September
What do you mean, they want a DVD? Bloody hell, are people never happy?
16th/17th September
Get a few cameras in and point them in the general direction of the stage. That’ll make everyone think there’s going to be a DVD release and then I’ll say I’m cancelling it because I’m not happy with the quality. Worked last time.
20th September
Can’t believe I’m missing Strictly cos of this bloody show.
23rd September
Who decided on 22 dates? Next time I’m doing a maximum of 3.
24th September
What do I mean, next time? What bloody next time? Took everyone out after the show for a slap up meal at Nando’s.
26th September
Bit of a faux pas with the electrics. Bertie wanted to charge his new bendy iPhone and I wanted my heated rollers on. We both plugged in the same time and BOOM! Big power cut, everyone panicking, couldn’t even see if any celebs were in. Disaster. Did the show and finished late. Good job it’s Saturday tomorrow.
27th September
Saturday. Called a full band rehearsal at 8am. Last night, there was definitely a semitone clash between me and one of the band at some point during Prologue. These things have to be right.
29th September
Get a letter off a pub called The Swan asking if I can do a few more dates as their bar profits have been phenomenal. Apparently someone called Martin Parker is responsible. Perhaps I’ll go in before tomorrow’s show and try their burgers.
30th September
Decide not to go to the Swan, as people might start talking to me. Send Danny to Tesco for 20 Silk Cut and house insurance. He comes back with thousands of Q magazines. That’ll make sure nobody gets a copy.
1st October
It’s the last night. Bought a few presents and wrapped them up. I like having something to open after the show.
1st October (later)
Everyone’s getting a bit emotional. Even the puppet cried in rehearsal.
1st October (later)
Think I managed to thank everyone. Over and over. Many, many times.
1st October (later still)
Bit of a late one. Decided to do an extra encore. Most of the audience thought I’d finished and had gone home. Honestly, Moments of Pleasure, Never Be Mine and Shoedance never sounded better. Ask the cleaners. And the people taking down the set.
2nd October
On Ebay all day trying to flog a load of bird masks and fish heads. No takers.
3rd October
Woke up feeling a bit meh. What to do next….

© IanT21’s aus dem englischen Forum

3 Kommentare

    • Thorsten auf 7. Oktober 2014 bei 18:15
    • Antworten

    ….wäre es echt und sie wäre am 30. ins Swan gegangen wären wir uns begegnet…
    hätte, wäre, wenn usw

    • El Diablo auf 5. Oktober 2014 bei 23:22
    • Antworten

    As a great fan of nonsense I have to say: F*cking awesome Blödsinn!

    • nettergehtnicht auf 5. Oktober 2014 bei 07:45
    • Antworten

    Hier gibt es was zur Rolle von Bertie zu lesen:

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